He needs a New Phone btw
by AlzeahXei
Summary: Derek suspects he and his phone has a mutual hatred for each other. The others just finds them funny.


**Rating M** for offensive/triggering sexual slurs **  
**

Plain text is Derek, italic is the one he's corresponding with

* * *

 **SterekXXX**

 **2 New Messages  
[19.27 PM]  
** _Another late night?  
Coz I made bourguignon and you hate it to be cold_

 **[19.38 PM]**  
Sorry, got a phone call from Greg  
They need us to check on a cold case  
keep them in the fridge for me?

 **[19.38 PM]  
** _ok  
everyone's there?_

 **[19.39 PM]**  
yeah  
Need to flip old files page by page  
Am fingering Jordan and Ashley

 **[19.39 PM]  
** _:O  
muffin cheese, is there a conversation we need to have?  
Or should I prepare the couch instead…_

 **[19.39 PM]**  
damn phone…  
*finding with Jordan and Ash  
I swear it's the autocorrect, Stiles…

 **[20.01 PM]**  
Stiles?  
I'm really working here…  
John can attest for me

 **[20.01 PM]  
** _Sorry  
Sorry  
dropped my phone from too much laughing_

 **[20.02 PM]  
** glad you're entertained…

 **[20.02 PM]**  
 _Aawwww…don't be mad  
And I'll be bringing extra bourguignon to the station  
So make sure the guys get their stomach readyyyy_

 **[20.02 PM]**  
thanks  
love you

 **[20.03 PM]**  
 _^3^ luv u too  
and make sure the sheriff doesn't catch you guys in the middle of hanky panky  
it'll be AWKWARD_

 **[20.03 PM]**  
ha ha…

 **[20.03 PM]**  
 _:D_

…0…

 **Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL)**

 **[9.56 AM]**  
There's a new orgy for the case  
Will follow up with Greg

 **[10.09 AM]**  
 _I'm going to assume that's a euphemism…  
Or be very glad in taking a day off today_

 **[10.11 AM]**  
*lube  
**loin  
******L E A D  
Sorry, John, it's the autocorrect

 **[10.16 AM]**  
 _Still can't get a hang of it?_

 **[10.16 AM]**  
Sometimes

 **[10.16 AM]**  
 _Well, I'll be meeting Stiles for lunch  
Want to join?_

 **[10.17 AM]**  
Yes

 **[10.17 AM]**  
 _Great  
And tell the others not to get too loud  
The station do have an appearance to maintain  
No matter how subtle my deputies think they are_

 **[10.18 AM]**  
…yes sir

…0…

 **Catrica**

 **[16.49 PM]  
** can you do anal tomorrow?

 **[16.49 PM]**  
 _Oohhh yes!  
I can bring the suitcase and you can choose the size  
Should I bring in Stiles? Coz I'm sure he doesn't want to miss it_

 **[16.50 PM]**  
*analysis  
and no one is giving Stiles anal

 **[16.50 PM]**  
 _no one else, of course  
;)_

…0…

 **SterekXXX**

 **4 New Messages  
[17.31 PM]  
** _Plot rabbits attack!  
Will be type-binging!  
Sorry, can't keep you entertain tonight… D: D: D:  
Casserole in the fridge!_

 **[17.37 PM]**  
It's okay  
I'm tied up with necrophilia too, may be late

 **[17.37 PM]**  
 _:O  
Teddy Bear, are you hinting something new?  
Should we have a sit n talk session first?  
Or should I inform Liv?  
Can't have the evidences contaminated, u know…_

 **[17.38 PM]**  
goddamn it  
Stupid autocorrect!  
*a new report  
How are these two words related?

 **[17.39 PM]**  
 _:D :D :D XD XD XD XD  
Your phone is your inner desires that longs to howl and be acknowledged?_

 **[17.39 PM]**  
Stiles, just go and finish your next chapter

…0…

 **SterekXXX**

 **2 New Messages  
[15.40 PM]**  
 _At the store now  
Want anything?_

 **[15.40 PM]**  
Orchiectomy

 **[15.40 PM]**  
 _?  
Derek, I'm at the STORE  
Or do you need me to call Melissa for you instead?_

 **[15.41 PM]**  
*****orgasm  
******olly olly oxen free  
WTF  
******hardcore  
*******glowing cumlicker  
I give…  
I'm calling you

 **[15.43 PM]**  
 _WAIT  
WAIT  
WAAAAAIT  
Can't breathe  
cramp  
kdjebvfditmhj_

 **[15.43 PM]**  
Stiles, somebody's calling in the station and reporting a public disturbance

…0…

Group: **HAIL THE GREATS**

 **2 New Messages  
[16.22 PM]  
MamaAlpha: **_Derek, is Laura with you?_  
 **MamaAlpha** : _Is Stiles coming over for dinner tonight?_

 **[16.23 PM]**  
Yeah, will be dryhumping her and Stiles  
Laura is taking her sweet time with her hair

 **[16.23 PM]**  
 **ScaryCora:** _Bro…_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _Nephew, how adventurous of you_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _And I'll be here helping the Sheriff (your FATHER-IN-LAW) to choose his guns_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _Such pity, John had always wanted to be a grandpa_  
 **BigBadLaura:** _:D :D :D_  
 **BigBadLaura:** _Maybe Der-Bear can get a few tips from Bobby later_  
 **PapaMufasa:** _Peter_  
 **PapaMufasa:** _Laura_  
 **MerryLupin:** _Dad, you have to admit, it IS funny_

 **[16.24 PM]**  
*DRIVING  
I'm DRIVING them home!  
Get your dirty minds out of the dirty bitch! Especially you, Peter  
*ditch

 **[16.25 PM]**  
 **ScaryCora:** _Or you need to get yourself a less dirty phone_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _Now, now, Cora_  
 **Creepy UncleP:** _Where will we get our blackmail source then?_  
 **ScaryCora:** _You don't need anything else to dig up dirt, you just use your 'charm'_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _True, so true_

 **[16.26 PM]**  
 **BigBadLaura:** _I like Derek's phone_

 **[16.26 PM]**  
it's yours

 **[16.27 PM]**  
 **BigBadLaura:** _Nah, I like it better when it's with you_  
 **MerryLupin:** _Coz they're Mork & Mindy?_  
 **BigBadLaura:** _*high five!*_  
 **MerryLupin:** _*high five!*_  
 **MerryLupin:** _BUT what about Stiles?! Poor baby!_  
 **BigBadLaura:** _Get him and Kenny together?_  
 **MerryLupin:** _Agreed_

 **[16.29 PM]**  
Dad, can you pick Laura up?  
Mom, I'm sorry, Stiles and I won't be there tonight  
We'll be BUSY  
DRIVING  
TOGETHER  
;:(

…0…

 **IsaacVanDork**

 **[14.36 PM]  
** Brian and I can be there for the cock tease tomorrow

 **[14.37 PM]**  
 _…ummm  
remember that the audiences are all kindergarteners?  
we don't want to scar them for life yet…_

 **[14.37 PM]**  
***demonstration  
stupid phone…  
I don't even know where all these words come from

 **[14.37 PM]**  
 _well, as long as you leave the tease out we're all good  
some things are not meant to be done outside of the bed  
:)_

…0…

 **Dannilicious**

 **[11.04 AM]  
** Cross got us new data, can you crack it by today?

 **[11.05 AM]**  
 _I can try_

 **[11.05 AM]**  
Ok, will give you head soon

 **[11.05 AM]**  
 _Umm, thanks but no thanks  
You're a stud, but I don't do married husband  
Especially when they're married to my friend_

 **[11.06 AM]**  
*head over to you  
Sorry

 **[11.06 AM]**  
 _autocorrect?_

 **[11.06AM]**  
can we just ignore the above

 **[11.07 AM]**  
 _Considered it done_

…0…

 **Hummel Tires & LUBE(LI)**

 **4 New Messages  
[10.16 AM]  
** _Hi, this is Kurt, your neighborhood friendly mechanic!  
Just calling to inform you that your baby is ready to go home!  
Or texting  
Technicalities_

 **[10.27 AM]**  
Suck you  
*** THANK  
Stiles will be there, just settle and pimp him

 **[10.30 AM]**  
 _Ermmm…  
NO?  
He's one of my best friends, and favorite fiction authors, and your HUSBAND?!  
Does the Sheriff know about this?  
Since, you know, he's Stiles' DAD and your BOSS  
Aaand your honorable father-in-law_

 **[10.31 AM]**  
***settle the payment with him  
would you forgive me if I say it's the autocorrect's fault?

 **[10.31 AM]**  
 _HOW: payment = pimp?_

 **[10.31 AM]**  
I'm long done figuring it out…

 **[10.32 AM]**  
 _Okay, I understand  
I'm done figuring out Finn's autocorrect too  
It's a good brain stimulation to figure out what he really means  
And Blaine says it's a great stress reliever_

…0…

 **SterekXXX**

 **[9.45 AM]**  
we'll be having a fund raiser next month  
Your pregnancy ok?

 **[9.46 AM]**  
 _I know we have very healthy libido and rigorous nocturnal workout  
but that shouldn't stop me from multitasking  
Pregnant and baking cupcakes and attending a fund raiser? Easy peachy!_

 **[9.46 AM]**  
I'll tell the guys you'll be baking and charity autograph

 **[9.46 AM]**  
 _Leave 'em to me, sweet Alabama babe!_

…0…

Group: **PUPPIES N ME**

 **1 New Message  
[14.56 PM]  
JackScottington: **_Derek, you'll handle the food tonight?_

 **[15.00 PM]**  
pussy hankey  
the usual toppings ok?

 **[15.01 PM]**  
 **JackScottington:** _?!_  
 **Catrica:** _And what toppings will we have this time? Yum_  
 **IsaacVanDork:** _Really? We're really having THAT?_  
 **IsaacVanDork:** _Can I be absent? I have a migraine. A really BAD one_  
 **Boydjangles:** _calm down Isaac_  
 **Boydjangles:** _Erica's just pulling your tail_  
 **Jackass:** _I'm leaving this group…_  
 **SallyAlly:** _guys, you know it's the autocorrect_  
 **SallyAlly:** _Scott dear, you can close your mouth now…_

 **[15.05 PM]**  
*pizza  
thanks Allison

 **[15.06 PM]**  
 **Dannilicious** : _some of these days your phone will get you into trouble_  
 **Dannilicious:** _and it won't be funny_

 **[15.06 PM]**  
I know  
John is getting wary of receiving my massages  
***message  
We just end up calling

 **[15.07 PM]**  
 **SterekXXX:** _OMG_  
 **SterekXXX:** _Why no one told me about you two?!_  
 **SterekXXX:** _Der-Pumpkin Boo, SHOW MEEEEEE_  
 **Jackass:** _Gross, Bilinski_  
 **Jackass:** _This group is not for foreplay_  
 **SterekXXX:** _Don't be jealous coz you got none_  
 **Catrica:** _Ooohhhh_  
 **Catrica:** _Showing off, batman?  
_ **SterekXXX:** _you wanna learn?  
_ **SterekXXX:** _Teaching inspiring tricks for young padawan, I can_  
 **JackScottington:** _hey, I thought you're my yoda… :(_  
 **SterekXXX:** _omg, Scotty Scott_  
 **SterekXXX:** _why haven't we watch Star Wars with you_  
 **SterekXXX:** _Tonight: Star Wars marathon!_  
 **Catrica:** _no_  
 **IsaacVanDork:** _no  
_ **Boydjangles:** _no_  
 **Dannilicious:** _no_  
 **Jackass:** _no  
_ **SallyAlly:** _love you Stiles, but no_  
 **QueenLydia:** _no_

…0…

 **SterekXXX**

 **[16.03 PM]  
** Got your Adderall  
Need manpain?

 **[16.04 PM]**  
 _yeah…can't dismiss my fortnightly dosage  
since I need expressive eyebrows and terrifying scowls to finish the next plot  
you know how much angst and manpain is poured into it_

 **[16.04 PM]**  
No, I don't  
You vowed never to share any incomplete plot because you'll jinx it  
And I thought it's a women pov this time?

 **[16.05 PM]**  
 _equal opportunities, shnookums, equal opportunities  
like Laura?_

 **[16.05 PM]**  
Laura is a manpain alright  
A man's pain in the ass

 **[16.05 PM]**  
 _:D :D :D  
I'm telling Lauraaa_

…0…

 **SterekXXX**

 **[12.54 PM]**  
Did you see my labia?

 **[13.13 PM]**  
 _No?  
Laura's reading this over my shoulder  
And she says you can swap it back anytime you want  
she misses her hot rod too_

 **[13.13 PM]**  
***letter  
tell her to fuck off

…0…

Group: **FAMILIES**

 **2 New Messages  
[14.29 PM]  
RavenHeaven: **_Can anyone get more coals?_  
 **RavenHeaven:** _We're out of it_

 **[14.29 PM]**  
 **MerryLupin:** _I can get some on my way there_

 **[14.30 PM]**  
 **RavenHeaven:** _thanks, Alex_  
 **RavenHeaven:** _you know who'll be behind the grill?_

 **[14.30 PM]**  
John will cock Peter

 **[14.31 PM]**  
 **SterekXXX:** _:O :O :O_  
 **SterekXXX:** _Dad, remember our TALK!_  
 **BigBadLaura** _ **:**_ _Uncle Peter, remember to be a gentleman ;D_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _aren't I always ;P_  
 **MerryLupin:** _So, are you guys planning for spring or winter?_  
 **MerryLupin:** _I can get you discounts_  
 **ScaryCora:** _Isn't that a little too haste_  
 **Scary Cora:** _they haven't reach their tenth date quota_  
 **SterekXXX:** _no Stiles = no chaperone = no dates = no one's getting their nuptials!_  
 **BigBadLaura** : _YET! ;)_  
 **MelissaNightingale:** _And John isn't a blushing virgin anymore, Stiles_  
 **MelissaNightingale:** _It's okay to let him out of the nest by his own_  
 **RavenHeaven:** _I think they'll be a good match_  
 **PapaMufasa:** _yeah, I think so too_  
 **PapapMufasa:** _But about Chris?_  
 **GastonC:** _What about me?_  
 **SterekXXX:** _NOOOOoooo_  
 **SterekXXX:** _my braaaiiiinnnn…_  
 **SallyAlly:** _I agreed with Stiles…eewwww…_  
 **GastonC:** _What?_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _Oh hush children_  
 **MerryLupin:** _It's very scarring to our delicate souls, uncle…_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _I don't sponsor earplugs and I don't care_

 **[14.42 PM]**  
 **Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _Does anyone realize it's the damn autocorrect…_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _Hush John, or the fairy tale will be moot_  
 **CreepyUncleP:** _someone needs to keep the magic alive ;P_  
 **MelissaNightingale:** _we was hoping it won't be you Peter…_  
 **BigBadLaura:** _that's why they need Chris into the combination  
_ **GastonC:** _still not following…_ **  
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL)** : _What?_  
 **Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _I used to have a son who gives me daily stomach ulcer_  
 **Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _now I have a whole family…_  
 **SterekXXX:** _that's why 94% of your diet are veggies dad_  
 **Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _not the point kiddo…_  
 **MamaAlpha:** _Welcome to the family, John :)_

 **[15.57 PM]**  
 **JackScottington:** _wow…this is a lot of msg  
_ **JackScottington:** _what did I miss?  
_ **JackScottington:** _on second thought…nvm_

…0…

 **ScaryCora**

 **1 New Message  
[10.16 AM]**  
 _Is Henry with you?_

 **[10.16 PM]**  
yes, he's wanking with the coroner

 **[10.17 AM]**  
 _morbid  
and Laura want you to warn him not to bring any maggots back to their bed_

 **[10.17 AM]**  
do I even need to explain…

 **[10.17 AM]**  
 _nope  
Laura found the whetstone anyway_

…0…

Group: **StilinskisFeels**

 **1 New Message**  
 **[11.43 AM]**  
 **Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _are you both having dinner here?_

 **[11.43 AM]**  
yes, Stiles will be cockblocked  
*****COOKING

 **[11.43 AM]**  
 **SterekXXX:** _nice save :D_  
 **SterekXXX:** _and we'll never be cockblocked_  
 **SterekXXX:** _not even with having a cop dad/boss and his guns!_

 **[11.47 AM]**  
 **Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _Son, there are some infos a parent can live without..._

…0…

 **Boydjangles**

 **1 New Message  
[13.29 PM]  
** _Are the two of you coming over later?_

 **[13.29 PM]**  
yeah, I'll ask Stiles to bring the dildo

 **[13.30 PM]**  
 _Nah, they're covered by Jackson  
Just bring the ice box_

 **[13.30 PM]**  
ok

…0…

 **JackScottington**

 **[10.06 AM]  
** Is Bruce okay?

 **[10.06 AM]**  
 _yup, just need a few injections and he'll be bouncing right back in no time  
I called Stiles to pick him up later_

 **[10.06 AM]**  
I can pick him up  
Stiles is busy with his pregnancy

 **[10.07 AM]**  
 _okay, cool_

 **[11.16 AM]**  
 _wait  
not cool!  
You knocked up Stiles?!_

 **[11.17 AM]**  
**writing  
it's the autocorrect, stop spunking  
*freaking out  
and since I'm his husband, it's ok for him to have my baby?

 **[11.17 AM]**  
 _oh right  
sorry  
but if Stiles IS pregnant  
I get to be the honorary godfather_

…0…

 **SterekXXX**

 **1 New Message  
[13.46 PM]  
** _why did Scott make me promise that he'll be the honorary godfather to my imaginary baby  
after my imaginary 9 months pregnancy_

 **[13.46 PM]**  
because he's an idiot  
along with this funking phone  
*fucking

 **[13.46 PM]**  
 _your phone sure is eager huh?_

 **[13.46 PM]**  
no, you can't have my phone's babies  
imaginary or not

 **[13.47 PM]**  
 _Cuddle pie, your cavemanness is showing! :D  
And I like my imaginary baby to have your brows and eyes_

 **[13.47 PM]**  
and your button nose and mordant wits

 **[13.47 PM]**  
 _and your grumpy scowl and marshmallow heart_

 **[13.47 PM]**  
and your beauty spots and contagious laughter

 **[13.47 PM]**  
 _aawww  
now I definitely want to hold our imaginary baby!  
Derek!_

 **[13.48 PM]**  
after this trilogy?

 **[13.48 PM]**  
 _after this trilogy_

 **[13.48 PM]**  
love you Stiles

 **[13.48 PM]**  
 _:D  
love you too sourwolf_

* * *

Been reading too much fluff and text fic, so here's the decision to post one.

And for anyone who's curious, (WOGLOL) mean 'who owns gun lol'

And yes, some are OC, some are cameos


End file.
